Q: What’s the difference between a government bond and a snowboard bum?
A: government bond will eventually mature and make money.
Q: How do you get a snowboarder off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: How many Extreme Skiers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty, one to make the actual turns, and then 19 to point up and say “I could have done that”.
Q: How many ski patrollers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, they simply hold it up and let the world revolve around them.
This guy walks into a bar at Mt. Baker and says “Hey, you guys wanna hear a snowboarder joke?” The bartender says, “I’m a snowboarder, the guy on your right is a snowboarder, same with the guy on your left, and the guy behind you is a snowboarder.” So he says, “OK. I’ll tell it a little more slowly then…”
Q: Why do lifties only get half a hour lunch break?
A: Because any longer and they need to be retrained!
Q: What do snowboarders use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How does a snowboarder introduce themselves?
A: Ohhh – sorry dude!
Q: How do you become a millionaire as a professional skier?
A: Start out a billionaire.
Q. What’s the difference between a snowboarder and a picnic table?
A. A picnic table can support a family.
Q. How can you tell who the ski instructor is in a room full of people?
A. You don’t have to, they will tell you.
Q. What is the difference between an onion and a snowboard?
A. You don’t cry when you cut a snowboard in half!
Q. What were the snowboarder’s last words?
A. DUDE, WATCH THIS!!!
Q. Where does a snowboarder hide his money from his roommates?
A. Under the soap dish.
Q. Why do snowboarders smell?
A. So blind people can hate them too.
Q. What did the snowboarder say when he stepped up to the microphone?
A. You want fries with that?
Q. Whats the difference between a snowboarder and a vacuum cleaner?
A. One is a noisy scumsucker with a bag of air on it. The other is for cleaning your floor.
Q. What’s the difference between a Hoover vacuum and a snowboarder?
A. You can take the dirtbag out of the hoover.
Q. What’s the difference between a ski instructor and God?
A. God doesn’t think he’s a ski instructor.
A Skier’s Dictionary
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?”
All-Mountain: A common descriptive term for boots or skis that are designed to perform equally poorly under a variety of conditions and over many different types of terrain.
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It’s good exercise. It doesn’t require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn’t skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.|
Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.
Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you’re prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don’t expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.
Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is “Avalanche!” – which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, “Why?”
Telemark: Norwegian for “Hey guys! Wait up!” Or, Norwegian for “Face plant!”
Telemarking: Half the binding, half the speed! Or, “Free you heel, ski for real!”
Thor: The Scandinavian ski god of acheth and painth.
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.